Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Breathe, Stretch, Shake, Let it Go!
It has been a rocky last few months for me. You know the whole saying if ain't one thing it's another? Well a series of things happen to my like one big ole ripple effect. I would love to share it with you from the beginning but that would be an entire book. I would like to give you details but I'm going to protect the guilty. Yeah I said it guilty...lol Anyways as I delve deep into my life and sharing with you where I am right now I hope you can find great solitude in my testimony. Here we go.
A few months ago I found myself in love with this really great guy. I know isn't that how most stories start out...lol But this guy was different I thought. He had me in a different mind set. All of the things I hoped for he made me feel as if they really are obtainable. Not to mention how happy I was when I was with him. We shared with each other our deepest thoughts. We spent a lot of time together and if a situation prevented us from being together, nothing could stop us from spending countless amounts of hours on the phone.
We did what most people do when they are in love and want to be together, we started to plan a life together. We set a wedding date of September 18, 2010. Almost everyday we discussed plans on how my daughter and I was going to relocate to where he was. We discussed the type of house we'd live in, how we'd decorate it, and even had plans to give the dogs their own room. We even discussed having a baby and making sure there was room in the house for him/her. We had everything planned out. It seemed perfect!
As a freelance publicist turned writer I did a lot of local business in Atlanta. So as it became closer to our moving date I began to pull back and started putting together a career plan for my new surroundings. I did a lot of research on the industry of new business ventures I wanted to get into. I was excited and believe things was really going to work for me. I even found a church home I was very pleased with. I had it all planned out. The sad part is he didn't and the closer we got to moving the more he pulled back.
All of a sudden I woke up to what I felt like was nothing. My relationship was dwindling. My love who had taken care of all things financial hadn't taken care of anything. Bills started to pile up. I had no money, very little, and no idea how I would even survive that week. I'd practically completed all of my freelance projects so I didn't have much money coming in. I knew well in advance that I was moving so I didn't renew my lease for my apartment. Even if I could've possibly sign another lease I had no idea how I was going to pay the rent. I didn't even have the money to pay the last two months of my lease out. My love said over and over that he'd take acre of it for me but he didn't, he just didn't.
I was so hurt, angry, and confused that I cried everyday for a week. I felt broken and empty. I couldn't even think clearly. I walked around acting as if everything was ok, but it wasn't. I have a ton og friend and none of them knew what I was going through. I didn't know what to do so finally I called my Mother. I didn't want to. I knew what she would say and I couldn't bare hearing that right now. My Mother really shocked me. After I explained to her my situation she amazed me and gently said "come home". So I did.
I had already started clearing out things and packing because I knew in my heart I was moving. That made it so much easier for me. I quickly begin to post my furniture and household items on www.craigslist.com. I couldn't believe it when they all sold so quickly. I used the money I made for moving cost and to pay off some immediate debt. It took me two weeks to clear out that apartment and head outto Baltimore.
When I first got here I was sad. I often cried just thinking about how I had to leave my dear old Atlanta. I felt like such a failure. I couldn't believe I was in this situation. I wanted for my love to fix things. So expressed myself to him offering him the chance to make things right. Of course he didn't. What he did do was something he had been doing the whole time. He told me what I wanted to hear. He did just enough to keep me right in that same position. He's never been worthy of me.
For a week or two I held on to the thought of being back with him. He had me thinking about getting a loft and DC and pushing forward with OUR dreams. I was almost sold when I realized he never fulfilled the other obligation and he's not in the position to even pretend like he could. Why in the world was I entertaining this nonsense I thought. So I did what Mase encouraged us to do a few years back. I breathed, I stretched, I shook, and I let it all go.
I picked myself up and started taking huge steps forward. I changed over my state ID. I got my daughter enrolled in school. I started looking for work and freelance projects that I could do here in the DMV. Lastly I stared focusing on my life without him. It's been so hard for me because I truly felt like I had nothing. To add to the situation a month prior to my moving my favorite computer crashed. I lost 9 years worth of school work, blogs, projects, bios, press releases, pictures...EVERYTHING. So I really have to start all over.
As I sit here blogging I am pondering on the fact that God has allowed me to have a "fresh start". He has placed me in a position where I did not have to take anything with me. I left Atlanta on a good note. I didn't burn any bridges. I fulfilled all of my obligations. I don't owe anybody any money or uncompleted services. I'm free!
Today I realized I have grown so much but lost so little. God had taken away the all of the things from me that had taken me away from him. He has a way of getting your. Now I have experienced humility in a way that I never imagined I would . So as I move forward taking it one day at a time I am grateful to have the chance to start a new life. I am grateful I have the opportunity to do so much more then I could in the past. Now that I'm home I have the support of my family to help me out with my child. I have the ability to do a little more, work a little harder, and push for what I want.
With that being said in the next few months I will be stepping out on faith trying a few new ventures and exploring opportunities I never thought was possible. As I embark upon my new life I'm hoping that you all would enjoy taking this ride along with me. I hope that you will enjoy reading my blogs and Examiner.com articles as they are preparation for my first book. I'm also working on a big business venture that I plan to launch before the end of the year. So look out for me. God is moving in me and it is my prayer that you allow him to do the same for you.
Until next time...Peace and Blessings
Nika "The PR Diva"