Friday, November 20, 2009
For the past couple of weeks I have been struggling with this word forgiveness. It all started when I had words in a text conversation that lead to this person calling me bitter. "Me bitter??? You must be crazy," I thought. I'm one of the sweetest people you'll ever meet. Ok maybe not the sweetest but I'm not so bad once you get to know me. Anyways so I'm focused on this word bitter. Am I? Should I have let this go already? Am I letting this situation go so far that I am harboring harsh feelings? If I am that means I haven't forgave him...hmmmmmm
Before I answered those questions I wanted to reach out to a few friends to find out what they thought about forgiveness. What I found is that men have a way of letting things go a lot quicker then women. Every last man that replied to my facebook and twitter post said "let it go, it's not worth it". That sounds so simple right? Well I wish my heart and my mind could accept that. All I can think of is the hurt I felt and how I'm not wanting that person to hurt me again. Even though I say I forgive them I still haven't come to a point where I've truly "let it go."
My thing is this, I refuse to let that person get close enough to me to hurt or disappointment me again. I don't like those feelings. I don't wanna live in that space. For that reason I keep those who've hurt me in a box. just so you know when I talk hurt, I'm not talking about the little things like they forgot to call me back or they had an attitude the last time we spoke. I'm talking about the bigger things. The things that take you a while to get over. The hurts that cause wounds that are hard to mend. I'm talking about that type of hurt that requires a lot of strength to forgive and let go of.
A few years back I was in a on again off again relationship with someone who clearly wasn't that into me. He often denied our relationship presenting it to others as if I was chasing him when that wasn't the case. He'd say things to others making me to appear crazy all the while he's telling me how much he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Anyways so this dumyum, yes it said it dude is a dumyum. Anyways so this dumyum decides he wants to get married but, instead of being a man about it he denies. He told me he was not getting married up until 6 days before the wedding. Was I hurt? No, at that point I already knew. I was just done. I could careless if we ever spoke again. I thought what he did was cruel and intentional and I didn't need a person like him in my life.
To make matters worse 2 days after that my so called friend called me to tell me that the dumyum was indeed getting married. She said that if I thought about going to his wedding not to; his future wife didn't want me there. She said she was tired of hearing conversations about me coming to sabotage the wedding. She also told me HE was having a get together at HER house and I wasn't to come there either. 'It's his thing and that she didn't want me to think she and her husband was having something and not inviting me. At this point I'm annoyed. So you knew this dude was playing me the entire time and didn't say anything? You fake, phony, blank a dee blank bleep bleep!
To this day I still feel some kind of way about her. Why? Because she never apologized. It seems as if she shrugged her shoulders like oh she'll get over it. That's what angers me. Don't hurt me and say oh well get over it. Apologize to me please. Then I know you have some regards for my feelings. I no longer associate with her in that way. Do I miss our friendship? No, not at all. Because at that point I didn't consider her a true friend. That day on the phone I told her just that and I never looked back. I seek a calm resting place in my friendship circle.
My dear friend Kim doesn't know this but that entire situation changed the face of our relationship. She was down for me. She looked out for me and I respect her for that. As a friend she protected me and didn't allow me to walk around wearing blinders. She apologized for them. She didn't want to see me hurt. She's a true friend because she told me to forgive them. She didn't want me in bondage.
Now after reading some of your responses, I realized I may be a little bitter. I can't help thinking I have a right to be. Oh these people wronged me...lol Seriously what I really have is a right to be free. Free from bondage of past hurts. I have the right to die empty. So I started thinking about all of the hurts I've held on to. I've let years and years of hurt build up and cause me to be angry and bitter...YUCK! dude was right.
So when I decided to write this blog I told myself that something had to change. I can't right a blog about forgiveness without actually forgiving somebody. So here I go letting go of my past and embarrassing my future.
I forgive you for calling me bitter on the text. You could never understand how hurt I was by prior situations. I also know you're only looking out for your people.
I forgive you friend for hurting me. Normally I'm tough and I'm sure you didn't realize how hurt I'd by it.
I forgive you dumyum for causing all of that confusion. I think it was stupid and I never quite understood your reason for doing that. If you didn't want me all you had to do was say that. All of the extra stuff you did damaged a lot of relationships that didn't need to be damaged. Thanks for showing me who my true friends are.
I forgive you for lying to me. You thought if you told me the truth I'd leave you and, you're probably right. Let's not do this again.
I forgive you for all the hurtful things you've said to me. I know you didn't mean them you was just a little emotional. Just know that if you say them again I'm done.
I forgive you for abandoning me and my child when we needed you most. I feel sorry for you. You're messing out on the best part of me, your daughter Kaiya.
It is amazing how I feel now that I've been able to let that go. I mean really let that go. Harboring that stuff means I was leaning on my own understand instead of letting go and making room for what ever God has for me next. Now to my friends who like me struggle with letting things go I encourage you to start writing it out. like my friend Lando said even if you have to write it out and throw it away do that. You don't want to stir somebody up by forgiving them of something that thought you already forgave them for. That's what happen with dude on the text.