Saturday, September 26, 2009

Envy and Selfish ambition

Envy and Selfish ambition play a part in the reason why chicks like me don't get married. I mean really who wants to be with someone with those as qualities. Before you think I'm calling myself a bad person, let me explain.


To envy someone is to want what someone else has. The more they get the angrier you become with them. It can be so deep that you began to hate the person that has what you want. I tend to pick up this tendency when dating, which is odd to me. I listen to what men say they've done in past relationships and I want that and more. For example if he brought her a car I want a more expensive model. If he brought her a house I want a bigger one. If they vacationed in Mexico I want to go to Brazil. You know these are extremities, but you get the point.

Can you imagine what type of pressure a man must feel to know his women is comparing their current relationship to his past? Can you imagine the pressure I put on myself trying to do or not do what she did so that I can get WHAT I WANT? I know this all sounds bad but I didn't realize I did this until recently. I've given my grey area man the blues I tell ya.

Selfish ambition

This one is a little tricky. Let me break down selfish first. It means to go off your own desires to get what you want. Or wanting what you want when and how you want it; even if it hurts other people. Now ambition means to have a desire for rank, fame, or power. That doesn't sound that bad until you put the two together. It means to go off your on desires to get rank, fame, and power no matter if it hurts other people.

I've realized that I want what I want from this person no matter what. What's even worse is when I don't get it I get angry. I'll even flee the relationship if he doesn't move fast enough. That's a problem. Especially when you add that with envy it's horrible. Envy and Selfish ambition leads you to disorder. This disorder can ultimately lead to distraction. Realizing this I really had to pull back and pump my breaks on some things.

James 4:2-6 days "the spirit of God that lives in you is jealous. If you have envy and dysfunction from the world the envy of God will cry out and try to force that out of you. God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. You see God is looking for humble people that are crying for help. At this point you should submit yourself to God so that he can purify your heart. This is where I am right now. My situation that forced me to let go of everything has caused me to humble myself and cry out to God.

See the devil lies to you. He tempts you on the front side with your desires. When you go your way (not God's) using Envy and Selfish ambition to get it; the devil taunts you on the end. He also lies to you the whole way by saying it's yours and you deserve this. In the end your heart ends up broken because when you step out of the line of God you never get what you TRULY deserve.

The sad part is there is no protection or solution to a broken heart. There is no way to take away the pain of the emotional stress from that situation that didn't work out. You see nobody wins when you use Envy and Selfish ambition as a direction over your life. I urge you today to really start waiting on God; leaning on his wisdom and understanding. Start developing a relationship with him. You'll then realize that there is NOTHING greater.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Chicks like me don't get Married

I know there is a trending topic here, but hear me out first. I have no idea why the word marriage seems to be surrounding itself around me but it has. It seems as if every other day I'm drawn into a conversation about marriage. Maybe God is trying to tell me something. Either way what I've learned I am now sharing with you.

Exactly two weeks ago I was in the car with my Mom and sister. We are all conversationalist so we enjoy sharing our opinions laughing and joking about life. We talked about everything from fashion, to TV shows to marriage. The marriage conversation started off with us talking about why men cheat. I have no idea why that topic resurfaces with us but it did. Anyways we started talking about men and the type of women they date and the type of women they marry. By my Moms words I'm on the dating list only :( Now before your jaw drops she didn't say that to me directly. She said that about chicks like me.

According to my Mother like women men are looking for security. They are looking for that woman that will hold them down no matter what. Someone that they know will be home when they get there. "Notice how you see a good looking guy and he ends up marrying the women that you think is a plain Jane, Mom asked. My sister and I both look at her and say, "yeah that true". "They're with them because they feel secure", she says. She went on to give examples of men she knew who married women that we deemed not so fabulous.

Her theory is that men do not want to compete with their women. They want to be the leader they want to shine. Can you imagine how a man's confidence would be shot if each and every time his beautiful wife left the house somebody was hitting on her. I know, what you're thinking all men are not like that and I agree. However a lot of men are. Now this is just on the surface the superficial part. Let's dig a little deeper.

So traditionally a man is to be the bread winner in the house hold. He should be able to provide for his wife and family. Knowing that ladies men are sizing us up when they first meet us. You want to know why??? They are trying to see what type of life style you are living because they want to be able to provide that for you. Man if all you wear is Prada and Gucci please believe in his head he is trying to figure out how he his going to keep you in that. Think I'm playing? Ask any man. I'm sure he'll tell you.

Men are also looking for a nurturer. You know, women that well lick their wounds at the end of the day. Someone they can talk to about anything knowing she won’t be judgmental. She makes him feel good about himself even when he's at his lowest point. You get where I'm going with this.

This last detail is the most important. Men need to feel needed. They need to feel like the women by their side needs him in some sort of way. Like in the fairytales they want to be that knight in shining armor that saves the princess. Don't get me wrong they like a women that shows some independence, however they still need to feel needed.

So why you ask do I feel like chicks like me don't get married? Well it's simple I appear not to be any of those things I mentioned. I'm an attractive female with a great personality. That's the gift in the curse. The gift I am very approachable. The curse guys pick up on that. A few of the men I've dated in the past felt threatened by this. I’m not much of a nurturer. I don't deal with emotions well. I don't like to feel mushy so I miss the mark with that sometimes.

Now we all know I love clothes and being the center of attention. I don't really know why, it's just who I am. The publicist in me comes out a lot. I know how to work the room and sometimes my networking isn't viewed as such. Some men find this intimidating. As far as men being bread winners and saving the day I agree with that. For some strange reason men don't pick up on that. Probably because I've always kept things in and not let too many people get too close. When I had a problem I prayed and dealt with it on my own.

I am very high strung with very high expectations. I have so much life left in me and so many thing I want to accomplish that the pressures I put on myself I may put on the men I've dated. It's not because I expect them to be someone their not, but I expect US to be the best WE can. Lastly I'm selfish. I focus so much on where I and where I want to be that sometimes I lose sight of everything else. I blame society! We women are doing so many things ourselves that we lost the inner essence of us.
If any of these traits sound like you I would like to suggest a book called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. This is a very very good book. I read it years ago and it really helped me to release the inner beauty in me and not be afraid to feel vulnerable. Chicks like me don't get married because we don't allow ourselves to. These are just my thoughts.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Crucial Questions you MUST ask before you get Married

Crucial Questions you MUST ask before you get Married. Think about that for a second. Before you continue on I want you to ask yourself are you really ready to read this. You might be shocked by what I'm about to write so brace yourself.

Last week a friend called me up and asked if I wanted to attend a play with her. What type of play I asked. She paused and sweetly says one about relationships. I grunted a little thinking about all the plays I've seen in the past about relationships that had the word man in the title. A good MAN is hard to find, I need a MAN, The fabric of a MAN, or how about The maintenance MAN. Realizing I hadn't seen my friend in a while I agreed and we planned to meet up the next day for the play.

OK let me get to the good stuff. So we pull up to the place where the play is being held and we're ushered to out seats. I look across the large room of round tables and chairs and notice that everyone has a pen, a pad, and some even had Bibles. I looked at my friend with the side eye as to say chick where are we. Not that I'd mind being in a lecture, however I wasn't prepared. Lucky for me I keep a journal on hand at all times for taking notes. This lecture was AMAZING and I am truly glad I went. Not that I am contemplating marriage right now because I have so many things to work on within myself but...these are great questions to ask even while dating.


As a lot of you may know the Devil is at work in marriages today. So many people have rushed into marriage for so many reasons, but the right one. The right one would be to serve God together. That's what marriage is created for. So many of us single people are so desperate to be married that we jump into missing it's purpose. Because we're not asking the questions a lot of marriages are ending in divorce, or there is infidelity, and even worst people are living unhappy and unfulfilled lives. Hopefully this list can save some of us for falling into the same trending pattern.

The Questions:

Questions you should ask yourself about your mate.

1. How do I avoid emotional traps?

Answer: By setting standards for yourself. When you get involved with someone who fall short to your standards you find yourself compromising the entire relationship. Eventually that gets old and you'll find that you stayed in a relationship that you didn't want to be in because you're emotionally attached. When you invest so much time and you compromised you will become emotionally attached. So let's start asking these questions upfront and sticking to our standards.

2. How has this person added to or taken away from my life?

If the answer is more negatives then positive RUN. If you're are in between slow down and feel it out. If this person seems perfect proceed with caution. Guard your heart at all stages. Until the Holy Spirit tells you he/she is the one and you know beyond the shadow of a doubt be careful and protect yourself. Your heart is the very core of you. A broken heart could cause you to shut down completely so you really want to be careful with this.

3. LADIES: Can this man lead my spiritually and am I willing to follow him?

FELLAS: Can I lead this women spiritually?

Spiritual leadership is very important. You MUST be equally yoked there is no way around that.

4. LADIES: Is he truly in a position to take care of a family?

FELLAS: Will I be able to provide for her and our children, if any?

Taking care of a family can be pretty steep economically. You want to make sure that this is covered on the front end. If for any reason you feel that this will be an issue hold off on getting married. Financial problems can cause a ton of emotional stress.

Questions to ask your partner before getting married. (These are in no particular order)

1. What is your mental history? Does any type of illness run in your family?

You want to address this upfront. You do not want to have anything come up later that you wasn't aware about. This could be harmful to you and your spouse.

2. May I see your credit report?

Once you say I do you inherit his/her debt.

3. May I see your bank statement?

This will show you how he/she spends money. Their spending habits may not be the greatest and this should give you some idea of that.

4. Make sure you do a criminal background check.

Yo do not want anything in their past coming back to hunt you.

5. Do you or have you had any addictions?

It can be alcohol, some sort of drugs or even a sexual addiction. Either way find that out.

6. What are your expectations of me as a husband/wife?

You must make sure what they expect aligns with what you expect. It saves a lot of drama on the back end to know upfront.

7. What is the worse thing you've done while angry?

You don't want to be surprised when he or she start punching walls of busting windows. RUN!

8. Have you ever been violent in a relationship?

Self explanatory, physical abuse of any kind is not a good look.

9. How much information would you like us to share with our friends and or family?

You have to be careful with this. If you share the wrong thing your people can still be angry with him/her while you two have kissed and made up.

10. How many kids would you like to have?

They may want 5 and you want none.

11. How do you review relationships with the opposite sex?

This can be sensitive territory. Ladies he may not be comfortable with you having too many male friends. Check this out!

12. What is your purpose in life?

If he/she has none or it sounds shaky that's a relationship you do not want to be in.

13. How would you like to discipline our children?

They may be a spanker while you're not. Discuss this.

14. What is your relationship with your parents?

This explains a whole lot. Finding this out can tell you a lot about him/her.

15. Do you owe back taxes?

Again you will inherit their debt.

16. How do you feel about debt?

They may be good with paying bills late and you may not be. So you need to determine what you are getting into. This also will help you determine who will be responsible for paying the bills. If He/She is better, then you may want to let them handle that.

17. Who is going to manage the money?

If you saw the bank statement and see that they are careless with spending money then this person may be you.


I have been guilty of not asking this question and found myself in a relationship with someone else's husband. How far was that relationship really going to go. Even if they are separated you don't want to entertain that until that has been resolved. You'll save yourself a lot time and heart ache.

19. How are we going to maintenance the marriage?

Just because you get married doesn't mean you fix things. From time to time (like a luxury car) you have to maintenance your marriage. Be it a monthly get away or weekly date. You should figure out what works best for you both. Also you're going to want to have some check points in the marriage. This is where you as key questions like are you still happy or have you had any affairs.

20. Will we have a couple that mentors us when we're married?

Having a couple, that can stay neutral, to help you through troubled times is wise. My sure this couple is grounded in the word and strong in their faith. Otherwise you might not know what type of council you'll get.

Sexual Questions to ask before getting Married

21. What is your sexual expectations?

He/She may be a freak and your not...How is that going to work?

22. How do you feel about oral sex?

VERY Important! Some people do it some don't. Some love it some don't. You need to determine which side the two of you are on.

23. Have you ever been involved in pornography?

Need I say anything about that

24. What type of childhood sexual experiences have you had?

There are a lot of secrets people are suppressing. You are going to want to know these things.

25. Have you or do you have and STDs?

HIV/AIDS along with Herpes can not be cured. You need to know these things so that you can protect yourself.

There you have it...THE QUESTIONS. Tell me what you think?

Thursday, September 10, 2009


Greetings Family and Friends,

On the 8th anniversary of the terrorist attack on our country, I am writing this note to you to request your assistance in keeping the legacy of SGM Lacey B. Ivory alive by investing in the future of our youth. Lacey achieved enormous success in this life and leaves behind a legacy that is still blessing others today through the SGM Lacey B. Ivory Scholarship Fund. Those who knew Lacey would say that he lived a life that reflected the following: 1) commitment to God; 2) devotion to family; 3) zeal for life; 4) sense of humor; 5) passion for learning and; 6) dedication to mentoring and coaching our youth.

Through the support of family and friends, the foundation has awarded 21 scholarships over the past seven years (20 to high school seniors and 1 to a soldier) totaling more than $21,000. To learn more about the foundation, please visit the website at:

When you take a moment to reflect on September 11th please say a prayer for the families of those who lost loved during the terrorist attack and in Iran/Iraq defending our freedom. I hope that you will be inspired to make a difference in this world by volunteering to support a worthy cause and by investing in the life of an inspiring youth with your generous donation. Please make your contribution by check to: SGM LACEY B. IVORY SCHOLARSHIP FUND, P.O. BOX 9470, Catonsville, Maryland, 21228. All donations will help to make a lifetime of difference – and they are tax deductible too. What a win – win!

Thanks in advance for your prayers and continued support.

Be Blessed,

LTC (R) Deborah W. Ivory
SGM Lacey B. Ivory Scholarship Fund

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Becky Baldhead

I know you are thinking what in the world is a Becky That's me! It's an ugly nickname someone made up for me as a child. See my Mother was in the Military so coming up we traveled a lot. When we would come home to visit family in Baltimore people would say "you talk like a white girl" hence the name Becky.

As for the Baldhead part it's pretty funny now has this came about, but back then it wasn't. My Mom has never been able to do hair very well. People have their strengths and clearly that wasn't hers. To add to the challenge of doing my hair my Mom had to deal with how course it is. Not tormented it's very very thick. In order to make my hair more manageable my Mom tried out all types of products. Eventually the mixing of the different chemicals caused major damage and all of my hair feel it; hence the name Baldhead. Believe me when I say I was teased to no end. My Mom tried to fix it by trying anything should could to make it grow back, but it never really did. It wasn't until I got older and was able to make decisions for myself and not tel her put all that stuff in my hair was it able to grow.

As a little girl I was devastated. I could wear my hair in all the fancy little styles all the other girls wore because I had no hair. I even remember my braids(extensions) slipping out because my hair wasn't long enough to really grasp. Back then I felt so unpretty and had a number of insecurities from something that I just could not control.

As I think about the effects of being called Becky Baldhead really did haunt me for years. I mean really who wanted to be the girl with no hair. I sure didn't, I wanted to have long hair. I often experimented with hair weaves and extensions, fighting the urge to be the baldheaded Ms. Becky. You would have thought I was Regine from "Living Single" I had so many wigs and weaves.

It wasn't until I took a good look in the mirror and fell love with me the way God made me; to realize all those years I was crazy. "God made me just as I am," I thought. I started to think about what looks good on me and what complimented my life and style. After trying style after style after style; I finally I embarrassed my inner Becky. Now I think I represent Ms. Baldhead very well. I've been rocking my short and sassy cut for YEARS now and I LOVE it.

Anytime I feel like I want to change it up, I do it. I've take the cut a little shorter. I've let it grow a little. I've even added a piece or two for the color effect. At the end of the day it's still me. I don't lose or gain anything from not having long hair. If anything having short hair defines me and my style. Why do I say that? Well, because it works for me. I can't imagine me rocking it any other way.

I'm saying all of this to say that those insecurities that people used to condemn you, let them better you. If they teased you about your big lips then work your big lips. If they teased you about your big feet then put on some hot shoes on those feet and roll. God made you. Every single inch of you is of his design. I don't know about yours, but my God...he doesn't make junk!

Until next time!
Peace and Blessing,

Nika "The PR Diva"

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Breathe, Stretch, Shake, Let it Go!

It has been a rocky last few months for me. You know the whole saying if ain't one thing it's another? Well a series of things happen to my like one big ole ripple effect. I would love to share it with you from the beginning but that would be an entire book. I would like to give you details but I'm going to protect the guilty. Yeah I said it Anyways as I delve deep into my life and sharing with you where I am right now I hope you can find great solitude in my testimony. Here we go.

A few months ago I found myself in love with this really great guy. I know isn't that how most stories start But this guy was different I thought. He had me in a different mind set. All of the things I hoped for he made me feel as if they really are obtainable. Not to mention how happy I was when I was with him. We shared with each other our deepest thoughts. We spent a lot of time together and if a situation prevented us from being together, nothing could stop us from spending countless amounts of hours on the phone.

We did what most people do when they are in love and want to be together, we started to plan a life together. We set a wedding date of September 18, 2010. Almost everyday we discussed plans on how my daughter and I was going to relocate to where he was. We discussed the type of house we'd live in, how we'd decorate it, and even had plans to give the dogs their own room. We even discussed having a baby and making sure there was room in the house for him/her. We had everything planned out. It seemed perfect!

As a freelance publicist turned writer I did a lot of local business in Atlanta. So as it became closer to our moving date I began to pull back and started putting together a career plan for my new surroundings. I did a lot of research on the industry of new business ventures I wanted to get into. I was excited and believe things was really going to work for me. I even found a church home I was very pleased with. I had it all planned out. The sad part is he didn't and the closer we got to moving the more he pulled back.

All of a sudden I woke up to what I felt like was nothing. My relationship was dwindling. My love who had taken care of all things financial hadn't taken care of anything. Bills started to pile up. I had no money, very little, and no idea how I would even survive that week. I'd practically completed all of my freelance projects so I didn't have much money coming in. I knew well in advance that I was moving so I didn't renew my lease for my apartment. Even if I could've possibly sign another lease I had no idea how I was going to pay the rent. I didn't even have the money to pay the last two months of my lease out. My love said over and over that he'd take acre of it for me but he didn't, he just didn't.

I was so hurt, angry, and confused that I cried everyday for a week. I felt broken and empty. I couldn't even think clearly. I walked around acting as if everything was ok, but it wasn't. I have a ton og friend and none of them knew what I was going through. I didn't know what to do so finally I called my Mother. I didn't want to. I knew what she would say and I couldn't bare hearing that right now. My Mother really shocked me. After I explained to her my situation she amazed me and gently said "come home". So I did.

I had already started clearing out things and packing because I knew in my heart I was moving. That made it so much easier for me. I quickly begin to post my furniture and household items on I couldn't believe it when they all sold so quickly. I used the money I made for moving cost and to pay off some immediate debt. It took me two weeks to clear out that apartment and head outto Baltimore.

When I first got here I was sad. I often cried just thinking about how I had to leave my dear old Atlanta. I felt like such a failure. I couldn't believe I was in this situation. I wanted for my love to fix things. So expressed myself to him offering him the chance to make things right. Of course he didn't. What he did do was something he had been doing the whole time. He told me what I wanted to hear. He did just enough to keep me right in that same position. He's never been worthy of me.

For a week or two I held on to the thought of being back with him. He had me thinking about getting a loft and DC and pushing forward with OUR dreams. I was almost sold when I realized he never fulfilled the other obligation and he's not in the position to even pretend like he could. Why in the world was I entertaining this nonsense I thought. So I did what Mase encouraged us to do a few years back. I breathed, I stretched, I shook, and I let it all go.

I picked myself up and started taking huge steps forward. I changed over my state ID. I got my daughter enrolled in school. I started looking for work and freelance projects that I could do here in the DMV. Lastly I stared focusing on my life without him. It's been so hard for me because I truly felt like I had nothing. To add to the situation a month prior to my moving my favorite computer crashed. I lost 9 years worth of school work, blogs, projects, bios, press releases, pictures...EVERYTHING. So I really have to start all over.

As I sit here blogging I am pondering on the fact that God has allowed me to have a "fresh start". He has placed me in a position where I did not have to take anything with me. I left Atlanta on a good note. I didn't burn any bridges. I fulfilled all of my obligations. I don't owe anybody any money or uncompleted services. I'm free!

Today I realized I have grown so much but lost so little. God had taken away the all of the things from me that had taken me away from him. He has a way of getting your. Now I have experienced humility in a way that I never imagined I would . So as I move forward taking it one day at a time I am grateful to have the chance to start a new life. I am grateful I have the opportunity to do so much more then I could in the past. Now that I'm home I have the support of my family to help me out with my child. I have the ability to do a little more, work a little harder, and push for what I want.

With that being said in the next few months I will be stepping out on faith trying a few new ventures and exploring opportunities I never thought was possible. As I embark upon my new life I'm hoping that you all would enjoy taking this ride along with me. I hope that you will enjoy reading my blogs and articles as they are preparation for my first book. I'm also working on a big business venture that I plan to launch before the end of the year. So look out for me. God is moving in me and it is my prayer that you allow him to do the same for you.

Until next time...Peace and Blessings
Nika "The PR Diva"